When Did Feedback Become a Judgment?
Updated: 3 hours ago
If someone said to you, “I have a little feedback for you,” how would your body respond? Would you tense up a little? Or would you feel curious about what they might have to say? Recently, in a learning space, we explored the word feedback. I was surprised by how many people had negative associations with the word itself. After listening to different people’s experiences, I started wondering why. After all, feedback can be positive, and it can be part of a constructive dialogue. Could it be that so many of us have experienced feedback mainly as a way of being evaluated or having our shortcomings pointed out? The English word feedback combines feed (to supply or send something in) and back (to return). In engineering, feedback refers to a process in which part of a system’s output is fed back into its input, influencing what happens next. In other words, feedback wasn’t originally about judging something from the outside. It was a circular process of using information that comes back to adjust what happens next. And when I look at this from the perspective of the body, it gets even more interesting. Our bodies are constantly working with feedback. Think about holding a cup. We continuously adjust the pressure of our fingers. If we’re gripping it too tightly, we loosen our grip. If it starts to slip, we hold on a little more firmly. The cup isn’t judging us. It’s simply letting us know what’s happening. So what about between people? Could we do something similar? For example, instead of saying, “You’re intimidating,” what if I said, “When I heard those words, I noticed my body tense up a little”? I’m sharing information about my own experience rather than evaluating the other person. In a way, this seems closer to the original idea of feedback. I might continue, “It’s important to me that we both feel safe expressing our opinions,” sharing what’s happening inside me and what matters to me. And then I could ask, “How is it for you to hear that?” and listen to what’s happening for the other person, too. Perhaps this makes it easier for the other person to hear my words as information about my experience, rather than as criticism or judgment. Of course, it doesn’t always work that way\! But in my experience, it’s much more likely to be received that way. And from there, a two-way exchange can begin. Learning and practicing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has helped me discover this way of approaching feedback. Since then, giving and receiving feedback has felt less like walking on thin ice. I notice that I can approach these conversations with more ease and a lot less tension in my shoulders.
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A question for you
If feedback were less about evaluation and more about understanding what’s happening between us, what might change in your relationships?
I’d love to hear what comes up for you. Feel free to message me!